Alright, so Denny's is going private. Big whoop. Another "iconic" American brand selling out to the highest bidder. Can we at least pretend to be surprised?
The Grand Slam of Sellouts
TriArtisan Capital Advisors, Treville Capital, Yadav Enterprises... sounds like a law firm that defends Bond villains. These guys are swooping in to take Denny's private in a $620 million deal. And Denny's shareholders are getting $6.25 a share. A 52% premium, they say. Translation: they were desperate to get rid of it.
"Denny's is an iconic piece of the American dream," says Rohit Manocha from TriArtisan. Oh, please. The American dream is supposed to be about building something, not flipping it for a quick buck. Last time I checked, the "American Dream" didn't involve lukewarm coffee and questionable gravy at 3 AM.
And let's be real, Denny's hasn't exactly been crushing it lately. Closures left and right. 70 to 90 restaurants gone in 2025 alone, on top of the 88 that shuttered in 2024. They blame "shifting customer habits" and "healthier-focused chains like First Watch." As if people suddenly decided they didn't want artery-clogging goodness at 2 AM. No, Denny's just got lazy. They didn't innovate. They got out-competed. And now they're paying the price.
Speaking of competition... I went to a First Watch last week. Overpriced avocado toast and kombucha on tap. Give me a break.
The Real Reason? Debt, Probably
So, why is Denny's really going private? Because they're drowning in debt, offcourse. The article mentions it in passing, but let's be real, that's the elephant in the room. They're trying to spin it as some kind of strategic move, but it's a straight-up bailout. Denny's to go private in $620 million deal for the 72-year-old breakfast chain
They contacted over 40 potential buyers? Forty? Sounds like they were panicking. And Kelli Valade, Denny's CEO, claims this deal is "in the best interest of shareholders and the best path forward for the company." Sure, Kelli. And I'm the Queen of England.
Look, I get it. The restaurant business is tough. But Denny's had a good run. They were a staple of late-night culture for decades. Now, they're just another casualty of corporate greed and mismanagement. It's like watching your favorite dive bar get turned into a soulless condo building.
What’s next for Denny’s? Will they suddenly become a bastion of culinary innovation under private ownership? Will they finally figure out how to make decent coffee? Don't hold your breath.
The Ovitz Connection
Michael Ovitz is involved?! The guy who practically invented Hollywood power-brokering back in the day? What's his angle? Is he planning a Denny's Cinematic Universe? A gritty reboot of the Grand Slam Breakfast? I don’t even want to think about it.
So, What's the Real Story?
Honestly, who cares? Denny's is just another example of corporate America selling out its soul for a quick buck. They had a good run, but they blew it. Now, they're going private, and nobody's going to miss them except for the hungover college kids and truck drivers who need a 3 AM breakfast fix. And even they'll probably just find another greasy spoon to haunt.
